So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
