I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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