he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
