Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
