I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
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