Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
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