Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
