My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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