that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
