I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Randomize
