I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
