someone threw a dead crab at me
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
