I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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