Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
