I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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