I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
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Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
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Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos