The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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