I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
