): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
