a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
