Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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