Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
