I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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