We named our party play list daddy issues
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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