Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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