did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Randomize
