my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
She bit a glass in half.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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