Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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