We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
