The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
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