I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
