You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
