White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
