I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
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