Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
