dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
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