First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Randomize
