I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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