mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
