he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Randomize
