I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
