My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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