i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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