Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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