Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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