i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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