Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
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as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
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Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
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