boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
