Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Randomize
