And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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