When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
