I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
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