no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
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