I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
you didnt know i had herpes?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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