its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
