forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
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who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
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You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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