My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
