my soul wont recognize me after tonight
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
don't judge my taste in strippers
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
