I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Dicks are not precious.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
